Guardian of Legend

Title: The Cosplay's the Thing
Written by: Auron (me)
Disclaimer: All characters and locations are property of square
Warnings: none really...unless you object to crossdressing and midless slapstick violence
Summary: Comedy, Tidus somehow manages to talk Auron into taking him to an anime convention and then cons him into cosplaying. And yes, the title is a play on Hamlet's "The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king."

The Cosplay's the Thing

Cast:
Auron
Tidus
Annoying pet cat/dog/moogle/cactuar/whatever (This character is basically the stagehand in disguise)
Stagehand behind the screen (to help with costume changes)

Props/set:
Changing screen
Chair
Newspaper
Red Wig
Thought bubble cards (5)
Hoop with stars attached
Light bulb
Make-Up pencil
Katana (reverse blade sword)
Kaoru Costume
Kenshin Costume
Auron’s sword

Thought Bubble Cards:
Jecht in dress
Auron thwacking Tidus in head with sword
Auron thwacking Tidus with sword crossed out
Auron thwacking Tidus in head with reverse blade sword
Auron wringing Tidus’ neck

Scene:

(The scene takes place at Auron and Tidus’ home in Zanarkand. AURON sits on a chair DSR reading the paper. The PET is asleep on the floor someplace. There is a changing screen USL. Note this screen must completely conceal what’s behind it to the audience. AURON lowers his paper and calls out.)

AURON: Tidus! Hurry up!

(Enter TIDUS)

TIDUS: I’m right here old man.

(AURON looks up to see Tidus carrying a Kaoru costume and a Kenshin costume.)

AURON: What are you doing?

TIDUS: Getting into my costume.

AURON: (raises brow) Your what?

TIDUS: We’re going to an anime convention right? So we have to dress up as anime characters.

(AURON looks at the purple kimono in TIDUS’ hand then at TIDUS, shakes his head, and ducks behind his newspaper. TIDUS walks behind the screen)

AURON: (in an undertone) Why do I always get the weird ones?

(AURON appears lost in thought for a moment. The PET holds up a thought bubble card over AURON’S head…of Jecht in a dress. AURON glances over his shoulder and sees the PET. AURON swats the PET and it falls over on it’s back. AURON looks up just in time to see TIDUS emerge wearing the purple kimono with a pink ribbon and a wig)

AURON: What are you wearing?

TIDUS: I’m Koaru. What do you think?

(AURON ducks behind his newspaper again. TIDUS pulls the paper from AURON’S face and holds up a Kenshin costume)

TIDUS: And here’s your costume

AURON: My what?

TIDUS: Your costume. I can’t be Koaru without a Kenshin.

AURON: (raises brow) I hope you’re not suggesting I wear that.

TIDUS: Of course I am.

AURON: No way. You never said anything about costumes when I agreed to take you to this convention.

TIDUS: Oh come on Auron.

AURON: No.

TIDUS: Please? For me?

AURON: Absolutely not.

TIDUS: I’ll-

(TIDUS leans over and whispers something in AURON’S ear. AURON’S eyes…err eye widens. AURON sits there for a moment and then finally stands up and takes the costume from TIDUS and walks behind the screen grumbling the entire time)

AURON: You owe me for this.

TIDUS: (grins) I know

(TIDUS walks around a bit, straightens his kimono, and then picks up a red wig. He looks at the wig for a moment and thinks. The PET holds up a thought bubble card of Auron whacking Tidus in the head with his sword. TIDUS looks down at the wig again.)

TIDUS: Forget that..

(TIDUS throws the wig away and walks toward the screen)

TIDUS: Okay, now say “oro?”

AURON: Say what?

TIDUS: Go like this: “Oro??”

AURON: Why?

TIDUS: Because that’s what Kenshin says.

AURON: You said I had to dress like him, you didn’t say I had to act like him.

TIDUS: Oh come on, you have to at least try to be somewhat convincing.

AURON: (in and undertone) How to I get talked into these things. (grumbles) Alright fine…”Orrrro” (grumbles)

TIDUS: Well, that was more of a growl than an “oro?”

AURON: Grrrr…

TIDUS: Okay, we’ll leave that for later

(TIDUS walks around a bit more and then finally peeks behind the screen)

TIDUS: How’s it going back there, old man?

(AURON thwacks TIDUS over the head with his sword)

AURON: No peeking!

(TIDUS falls backward holding his head. The PET holds a hoop with stars on it over TIDUS’ head. TIDUS comes too and swats at the PET, which promptly falls backward. TIDUS looks up in time to see AURON emerge from behind the screen. AURON wears the Kenshin pants and shirt but still wears his glasses and boots and looking decidedly uncomfortable)

AURON: This is ridiculous.

TIDUS: No it’s not, you look great. But you forgot to take these off.

(TIDUS moves to pull off AURON’S glasses; AURON grabs his hand, growls, and shakes his head. TIDUS pauses for a moment. The PET holds up the thought bubble card of Auron whacking Tidus with his sword. TIDUS promptly backs off.)

TIDUS: Okay fine.

(TIDUS picks up a make-up pencil and moves to AURON’S left side and starts to draw on the scar. AURON instantly jerks away.)

AURON: What the hell do you think you’re doing?

TIDUS: Kenshin has a cross-shaped scar on his left cheek.

AURON: I don’t care what kind of scar Kenshin has; get that away from me.

(TIDUS makes a move toward AURON and then reconsiders. PET holds up the thought bubble card of Auron whacking Tidus; TIDUS backs down.)

TIDUS: Fine.

(AURON occupies himself with adjusting the collar of the Kenshin costume attempting to hide the scar on his neck. TIDUS gets an idea; PET holds a light bulb over TIDUS’ head. PET holds up a thought bubble card of Auron whacking Tidus with his big sword with an X over the whole picture. PET then holds up a card of Auron whacking Tidus with the reverse blades sword and “=less *’s”. TIDUS snaps his fingers and picks up a Katana and holds it out to AURON)

TIDUS: Here, carry this.

AURON: What’s that?

TIDUS: It’s Kenshin’s reverse blade sword.

AURON: I’m not carrying that

TIDUS: But it’s part of the costume.

AURON: I don’t care. I will NOT carry that wussy little sword. That’s not even a sword, that’s a dagger.

(TIDUS starts to protest, AURON growls; PET holds up card of Auron whacking Tidus with his sword. TIDUS backs down.)

TIDUS: Alright, alright, have it your way.

AURON: Are we ready to go now?

TIDUS: Yes. But first lets take a picture.

(AURON grumbles but reluctantly agrees. AURON and TIDUS do their final pose full front to the audience. AURON stands wearing the Kenshin pants and shirt, his own boots and glasses and holding the hilt of his own sword with his right hand. TIDUS leans on Auron’s left shoulder and hangs on his arm. AURON has an exasperated look and is obviously trying to duck behind his collar that isn’t there. TIDUS has a goofy grin and makes a peace sign. The PET holds a thought bubble card over AURON’S head with Auron wringing Tidus’ neck)

END